This is, perhaps, the most horrible nightmare yet

I've had nightmares before. I mean, who doesn't? I still have those infrequently, but I had taught myself to deal with whatever scenario my mind come up with logically. Having a gun usually solves half the problems a typical nightmare would present... and if that doesn't work, bring more guns, or some kind of monster hunting weapon, or bring more friends and allies.

Maybe my brain loves challenges. I manage to come up with a dream that gets more horrible the more I think about it, long after I'm fully awake and the imagery of the dream reduced to a fictional scenario.

As far as I can remember, the dream began as something else - not worth mentioning because they're mostly irrelevant and also for personal reasons. At any rate, it was daybreak. I was riding back home on a motorcycle from a concert that I attended, and went over a small hill into a slightly foggy area. Traffic had ground to a halt to my left all this time, and soon as I rode over the hill a macabre scene unfolded: a man, perhaps another motorcyclist, impaled himself on a pole of some sort and blood was everywhere. A few people had gotten out of their vehicles but nobody did anything about the man... I got off my bike, thinking that saving or doing something about this man might at least give me enough good karma to cover something unsavory I had done earlier in the night. I scanned quickly for someone who might have called the cops already. One person had his car door open on the passenger's side, but he seemed to have passed out and his face was sickly purple. Another man covered his face and stood next to his car. I waved at that man and approached him.

"Did you call the cops, or..." I asked as I pulled out my cell phone.

"You had best get out of here", he replied, "there's a chemical leak I think yesterday, and I'm not sure what it's doing to me, or anyone else around here. I'm feeling pretty sick right now..."

Instinct kicked in and I stopped bothering to listen to the rest of that conversation. I pulled my bike around, crossed the lanes to reach the other side, and drove off from the from the area as quickly as possible. And that's when I woke up.

After I woke up, there's a few things that I can deduce from what I've seen:
- That was no morning fog, that must have been the chemical that was leaked thick enough to be visible to the eye.
- If the chemicals had started leaking yesterday, either it didn't spread fast enough to cover my house the day before or I had also ingested a full day's worth of the chemicals, for better or worse.
- Judging from the people who looked unnaturally sick, I would say that at best the chemical would make you very sick and at worst kill you, then turn you into a zombie...

Could it be Solanum? But that particular virus can't be transmitted airborne, so the concentration must have been either ridiculously huge or it was another kind of virus altogether.

Either way, the first thing to consider is the most logical destination I would have headed for. I know how to get to my grandfather's home which is a few more blocks away, but if the fog reached over that area also I'll probably have to try and get to Irvine, where I can find refuge with my brother or my friends.

I would next try to contact my parents, but that's when I realized the true horror of the nightmare. Let's not mention that in an emergency like this the phones are all likely jammed with signals (damn AT&T) - even if I can get a call through to my parents, what am I going to tell them? That they should get out of the house as soon as possible when I know the roads are already a congested death trap? Should I tell them to walk out of the area and ingest chemicals all the way? Should I tell them to follow the instructions of the authorities, which is likely to be "stay home and barricade your house and wait for help to arrive", when I know that it'll be far too late when the authorities arrive? Should I give them a Hollywood farewell, about how fortunately it is that at least the next generation lives on, when I'm fully aware that I had contacted a small amount of chemicals myself and am likely a carrier of the virus?

Without knowing the true nature of the chemicals, I wouldn't know the first thing about how to deal with myself either. Should I stay at a place of people I know if there's a chance that whatever I carry is infectious? Should I tell anyone about it, or head to a hospital, which is about to get overrun soon if it is indeed a zombie virus? Then again, if it is a zombie virus then it would have been best that I had to a place like the hospital, where I can be wiped with the rest of the zombie gang as opposed to beginning a new outbreak starting with my family or friends. Would I really have the bravery to walk off to certain death, though, if I'm not sure if what I contacted would have an enough dosage to infect me in the first place?

I can only imagine the international response to such a disaster. A chemical that is too sophisticated to develop or manufacture anywhere but in first world countries could only mean that the US had been developing secret chemical weapons all this time. Any talk of disarmament would instantly melt down. Any sympathies toward America would soon disappear. If the world effectively barricades the United States, a good chunk of the country would soon cease to operate. Besides losing all sources of imported oil, basic supplies such as grain and corn would suddenly become strained. The spirit of globalization would soon turn into an atmosphere of fear and distrust. If society doesn't break down from the outbreak, the entire world would start to shift and become something entirely unfamiliar. In the rare chance that the chemical doesn't kill me, I would probably be unable to find suitable employment for a long, long time.

The feeling of helplessness is perhaps what cinched the scenario for me - helpless to save my parents, helpless to save myself, and should I become infected and die, helpless to save whoever I've reached for shelter and safety. It is the kind of horror that can't be brought down with a gun or a stakethrower; all you can do is to sit and wait for the worst.

Virus Blues

Got stuff to do, no time to make a more organized post... but since I typed it up I might as well post it. I really can't complain too much though - there's companies out there who is willing to provide free, reliable antivirus/anti-spyware services to the layman home user, and there's people out there willing to help others on all the random nasty programs that's running amok, and for that I'm thankful - to the other asshole companies who tried to blackmail me while my computer is infected - screw you.

[11:18] jamuszero: ahoy
[11:18] Hong: what's wrong with your antivirus cd
[11:19] jamuszero: what did I write again? I was pretty pissed off, that wasn't the only idiotic thing that happened last night
[11:20] jamuszero: oh yeah, the recovery CD "recorded" my viruses
[11:20] jamuszero: it gets better
[11:21] jamuszero: once I cleared the few files in the rootkit I tried installing this other anti spyware program, it refuses to run until I connect to the internet to download the latest update
[11:22] jamuszero: yeah thanks, I disconnected because the other virus is downloading shit onto my computer, let's let you try and update so the virus can download some more shit
[11:22] jamuszero: then it found the malware, show it to me, then pop open a website and refuse to actually delete it until I pay up
[11:23] jamuszero: free version my ass
[11:23] jamuszero: I actually considered paying the malware guys who hold my computer hostage at that point, at least they're being honest about it
[11:24] jamuszero: that malware is pretty cleaver too, any executable that I download directly using that infected computer would automatically get infected as well
[11:25] jamuszero: so I had to go back to my laptop, download another spyware remover, make the fuck sure it's actually free to remove stuff, bring it back, install it, and scrub the shit out of that virus
[11:25] jamuszero: that computer is still showing error messages from the rootkit scrubbing, but at least it's usable now
[11:25] jamuszero: wasted a good 10 hours on it though

Ways to describe the pain

At times it's like there's a string from my tooth tied to the front of the brain, yanking out a chunk of it until it hurts

At times it's a spike grinding back and forth and sideways into the gums

At times there's a razor blade slicing forward from the back of the mouth to the front, slicing back and forth

At times the gremlin goes schizophrenic and just start slicing everywhere or stabbing everywhere in whatever direction and orientation it pleases

At times there's a knife thrusting into the gums in a single deep jab

At times it's an explosion of pain from the epicenter

At times it's a hammer pounding outward rhythmically

At times it's a razor that scrapes up and down the length of the cheek

At times it's a wall of pain clamping down from the left and right

The Hard Choices...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about choices. My choices... things that I've decided to do and not do, and their consequences. Minor things like "should I get KFC for dinner or try and grab something more decent", or bigger things like "should I be on team Conan or team Leno", or even bigger things (personally) like the AX fallouts.

You pick sides, you follow through with your decisions, and because the future is so far ahead all you can do is watch and bicker and hope you've done the right thing or went to the winning side, whatever that means. If there's ever a moment I wish I had a time travelling device it'd be right about now, so I can travel forward in time, find out if what I've done meant something, and then stop worrying about it.

And while it's inappropriate to say anything about the matter out of respect for those involved, there's so much that needs to be said. There's so much sadness and anger that makes you want to go somewhere and scream. And when you tap into whatever little information is available, you can't help but develop intense hatred for those who joined the other side. You call those former friends traitors and morons and worse under your breath, though deep down you should know better, that they're not out to get you... and there you are, trying to convince yourself that it's not such a big deal, and yet when the synapses fire all you can think of are the things that you already miss and the cold reality that nothing will be the same again, no matter how hard you grasp and try to turn back time.

How can the future have so little for me to look forward to? Something is seriously wrong here.